This is why
by Pookyilicous
Summary: This songfic is set half way through the season in which Martha becomes his companion, a moment where he breaks down due to held up emotions, someone makes him realise that he needs to let go.


**This is Why**

**This songfic is set half way through the season in which Martha becomes his companion, a moment where he breaks down due to held up emotions, someone makes him realise that he needs to let go**

Hope you enjoy :D xxx

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><p><strong>Ever since I remember<br>I've held it in  
>Held it all<strong>

That moment a time ago, the many times I've fallen in love, those times I've lost the ones I love. My old hearts can't take the strain sometimes, and I hold it in, inside myself. Held it all inside my hearts, yes I have two. Damn timelord anatomy twice the life and ten times the heartbreak. They never told us that in school.

**Somehow I felt comfortable  
>Behind my wall<br>Behind it all**

This place I go when I'm alone, that place that I feel comfortable where I can stay for hours and mope about all my bad luck the people I've loved and then lost to my own adventures. My own stupid ambition to get them all into danger, just because I was lonely! I was soo stupid so arrogant and look where it got them. Dead! Or lost forever, heartbroken and left behind because I'll never get old and die! Arrogant, selfish and stupid, alone forever. A lone tear slides down my check

**This is why I don't cry  
>This is why I don't cry<strong>

I wipe it away angrily, I don't deserve to cry. I don't deserve that release of emotions. I deserve to keep these emotions inside me, "Maybe one day I'll learn, to live alone, afraid of the people I meet for fear they may fall in love. I don't get it, I don't get why they do, all I do is get people killed. Woman are stupid"... I slap myself, "No they are not, I am."

**Tears they only compromise  
>Things I need to visualize<strong>

_The tears help people remove the feelings they can't handle, But I need to see what I've done in the past, I need to understand so maybe one day I'll get it through my thick skull that having a companion is a BAD IDEA!__ I stalk the corridors of the TARDIS, and as I walk past her room I push the door, it's a simple layout, a bed, beside table, a wardrobe and a chest of drawers_**. **_I haven't been in her room for a while, I keep it hidden but today I need to see it, I need to look at what I did._

**This is why I don't cry  
>This is why I don't cry<strong>

This is why I don't cry, because I imagine her here, lying on her bed in her Pink PJ's reading some book she found in the library, I sit next to her and she looks up at me and smiles, one of those smiles that makes me so happy to be alive, it's just for me. That perfect little smile that lights up her eyes. Her face disappears from my view and I sigh. Flopping on the bed I stare at the ceiling, I've done this a few times, just laid here and imagined Rose next to me, her head on my chest. My hand in her stroking her hair, I bet it's silky.

**Tears they only minimize  
>Everything I keep inside<strong>

My heart burns with longing, to hold her in my arms to kiss her forehead and whisper her name, to make her feel special. But that's not my job anymore, it's his. Jealously runs through my veins, how much can one man hate himself. I'll tell you, a lot he stole her off me and I let it happen, I never told her. He did and that makes me pathetic he has her to himself. That clone, lesser being of myself. Anger boils in my bones but then I realise something else, he is the better being, he had the guts to tell her how they felt. He is the better person. _I curl into a ball and hold my knees to my chest wishing the tears away. They won't go away and a few trickle down my face into the bedsheets._

**I bet you think I'm lonely  
>You may be right<br>I just might**

I hear Martha walking past the door calling my name, She can't see this room, only I can see the door, unless the TARDIS disobeys me.

"Doctor?" she stops, "I've never seen this"

_Shit! I hate you TARDIS! DAMN YOU!_

I stay where I am, laying still, maybe she'll go away. Think I'm asleep.

"Doctor I know you're awake."

Can't a man get any peace in his own time-machine, oh well I guess not, _I sit up on the bed and turn my head slowly towards her. _

"What's wrong Doctor?"

**And if you want me to break down  
>It would be a sight<br>But not tonight**

I sigh, and force myself not to cry, god it would be disaster, Don't let her see you like that! Please give me strength! Don't break down.

**This is why I don't cry  
>This is why I don't cry<strong>

I have to be strong, for her, for all the people I've loved for all my friends, and the people I've helped or lost. This is why I don't cry, because I have to be the strong one.

**Tears they only compromise  
>Things I need to visualize<strong>

I need to see the pain I've caused these people. I need and should suffer for my mistakes, my stupid selfish mistakes

**This is why I don't cry  
>This is why I don't cry<strong>

That's why I can't cry, I have too many responsibilities to these people. I can't let them down.

**Tears they only minimize**  
><strong>Everything I keep inside<strong>

"Doctor, TARDIS to Doctor?" she smiles, "Where are you? You should stop moping about in Rose's room, or at least cry, let go and then delete her room. You can't keep hurting yourself like this. It's not healthy, you should know that Doctor."

"I can't let go of it, I'll just get more people killed, you should know that Martha!" I raise my voice at her name.

"Alright I know I'm not Rose, but you shouldn't talk like that to people who care. You're my friend Doctor, not everyone you meet dies. You have saved many people, the ones you lose die because they chose not to liste..."

"I lost those people because I'm not strong enough." My head falls onto my chest. Tears run down my cheeks. "I can't let it happen anymore. I need to feel this way so I remember not to let it happen again."

"It won't" she stands and wraps her arms around me, unresponsive at first, before I close my arms around her back, sobbing into her shoulder...

As I feel all the hate run out of my veins, "I hate you TARDIS"

"Why?" Martha inquires

"Nevermind"

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><p>Review please :D thanks guys love you, Welsh cakes and cookies are available :D<p>

The song is This is Why, the Artist is Late Night alumni


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